A transcript interview from one of America’s most prominent pyramid networks.
You probably have a friend who consults for Arbonne. Their victims are easy to spot: look for the washed-out Instagram filters, overexposed sundresses, iced coffee in mason jars, or the personal branding of a farmhouse sink.
I was at a Wegman’s when Natasha saw me. Natasha, whose name I’ve changed for this piece, took a bite from the Vegan Energy Bar brand I was handing out before she gave me her number.
She was a young mother, and thought that my work ethic as a Brand Ambassador might be…
After finishing the Chapter on Life at 3AM, I emailed my college advisor for a leave of absence, sent an ultimatum to my summer job with full knowledge that I would be fired, and then budgeted a trip to Berlin.
I was a swampy mess of negative thoughts. I had spent the weekend with friends who were more commercially successful and more financially free. I took a hard look at myself and saw a boy in a man’s body, wearing off-brand Old Navy clothes, and still wrestling with “building a self”.
And then, a book told me it was all…
There’s no dreams here. No clock-outs. It’s more of a “changing-of-the-guards”, in which I swap out my one suit for another. Each stored in The Cortex in the same way. Some perks of the job: my commute is minimal. I’ll walk down the Neural Passage towards the Amygdala. I know some people who have to cross an entire Hemisphere to get to work. They aren’t as seasoned as I.
I knock on the door of Homicidal Rage and see everyone inside sleeping. That’s a freeloader section; barely anyone ever works in that zone. I knew some guys, in a past…
TWO STORIES OF IGNORANCE IN THE COMMENT SECTION (MY OWN AND OTHERS)
The first TikTok that “blew up” was one I created after reading, “Imaginary Friend”, a book by Stephen Chbosky. In a stroke of (what I thought to be) creative genius, I stood in front of my camera and performed a deconstruction of one of my favorite TikTok Trends, “Duet This”. The trend started out being for legitimate advice or crazy niches. The idea would be that a person would show something weird, like a flight simulator in their home, and use a prompt like, “Duet this if you…
Entire cultures are built inside the comment section of every app. There is an etiquette: on Instagram you say short blurbs about how beautiful the user is, on TikTok you promote chaos in the void in small 240-character increments (often with a follow up), and on Twitter you make short quips or puns about the undeniable truths of the world. Comment sections make every internet user a little blogger, and many vie for that “top comment” status which is awarded to the select few. However, top comments are the shortest route to fame.
One of my favorite types of comments…
I’m getting a massage. In anticipation, I worked at my computer for two hours, letting the stress of labor absorb into my shoulders and neck. I wanted to become stressed, so that when I was on the massage table I could contrast my work-week stress with my massage-relaxation. I bring a book, but only get past the first five pages in the waiting room until Nicole receives me. She’s my age. I put on my “early twenties” voice, which consists of the word “cool” being overused, and she guides me to Room 6.
Room 6 has two beds side by…
HEIDI D’AMELIO (Mme. RANEVSKY), a landowner
CHARLI D’AMELIO, her daughter, aged seventeen
DIXIE D’AMELIO , her adopted daughter, aged twenty-seven
MARC D’AMELIO (MARC) . Heidi’s husband
PRODUCER OF DIXIE’S MUSIC DIXIE’S PRODUCER, a merchant
CHASE HUDSON (LILHUDDY), a student
JAMES CHARLES, a landowner
BRYCE HALL, a governess
SWAY HOUSE BRO (SWAYHOUSE BRO), a clerk
NOAH BECK, a maid, Female
JASON NASH, an old footman, aged eighty-seven
ADDISON RAE, a young foot woman, male
The action takes place in the D’Amelio house.
A room which is still called the…
NURSE: a servant of GABBIE HANNA
TUTOR: a servant assigned to MORMON EX’s children
GABBIE HANNA: wife of MORMON EX
COMMENT SECTION: a group of Youtubeian women
DADDY PISTACHIO: king of YouTube
MORMON EX: boyfriend of GABBIE HANNA
MESSENGER: a servant of MORMON EX’s
CHILDREN: GABBIE HANNA’s and MORMON EX’s two young sons
ATTENDANTS on DADDY PISTACHIO and MORMON EX.
[Outside the home of MORMON EX and GABBIE HANNA in YouTube. The NURSE, a slave who serves GABBIE HANNA, is standing by herself.]
Children, do you hear what sort of man
your father is to you? My curse on him!
I am not a brand.
When I prepare to sleep, I’ll fill a coffee mug with water, and in the morning, I’ll force myself to drink its contents before awarding myself coffee, like getting to the Gummy Worm beneath a whipped cream plate. My Carharrt jacket will perpetually have a doggie-bag in the right pocket for daily dog walks, and I will avoid carrying a full wallet due to the bulkiness of the common bi-fold.
When I look at my Instagram feed, I still see a person undefined. All of my friends have chosen to create a niche with their…
A Horror Story about a pandemic and the most popular app in the world.
It’s only a noise complaint that brings the county police to the door of the Glasslowe house. Such is the case with neighborhoods like this one, where tattletaling is a sport. After a moment, a gentleman opens the door. He seems as if he has been up for a while, and perky as ever, aside from the flush in his face and sweat around his forehead.
“Is everything alright? We had a noise complaint.” …